http://whistlingfire.com/2010/01/21/use-somebody/ The Whistling Fire is an open forum where fresh voices can share creative works in progress. Wed, 23 May 2012 15:46:29 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ http://whistlingfire.com/2010/01/21/use-somebody/#comment-289 Sun, 31 Jan 2010 08:09:15 +0000 http://whistlingfire.com/?p=622#comment-289 My, i agree with Lauren. You can keep the sequence of events the way you have it, if you clarify where she is in space (bed or kitchen).
Either way, you did a very good job with these revisions. Thanks.

]]> http://whistlingfire.com/2010/01/21/use-somebody/#comment-282 Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:09:07 +0000 http://whistlingfire.com/?p=622#comment-282 Hey My, I would suggest you flip the last two paragraphs. Because in the second to last paragraph the main character gets out of bed, then suddenly she is back in bed in the next. As an excerpt it the line “It wasn’t like she could poke her insides back in,” would make a nice image to end on. I do not know, however, how the piece concludes and how this fits in with the rest of the story. If we continue with her in bed you could easily get away with just saying she went back to bed or something and not move the paragraphs. You just have to have the tracking.

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